Dave Barry Turns 50 - Dave Barry (Excerpted)

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your friends love you anyway.